Tell Me A Story

Love Thy Neighbor... Well, At Least Their Stuff

So, my brother called last night with another good one. He's a cop, and there's never a shortage of people to crack him up.

A guy was busted for having 86 lbs. of marijuana. Apparently, North Carolina taxes marijuana at a VERY high rate per pound, so whenever there's a bust, the state tax guys come  to take their due. This usually means they empty the house and give the owner/convict a couple of months to buy his stuff back. Then it goes on the auction block.

The police need to be there to keep the peace during these house-emptying events. A few days ago, my brother was doing just that. Then slowly neighbors started coming up to ask him about the stuff and if it was going to be auctioned off. "Probably," he told them.

All of them to a one asked "When can we buy it?"

Incidentally, this was a rookie cop's first day on her own. She pulled the guy over for coasting through a stop sign and when she approached the car, she smelled pot. He had 50 lbs. in his car and 36 back at his house.

Gotta love stupid criminals!

 

No, He's Not On TV

We have a family member who is a police officer in Las Vegas. Recently his mother told us that when she tells people what her son does many of them ask "Oh, is he on CSI?"

Grammar Police Arrested

OK, I have been known to remove an errant apostrophe from a white board (like the one outside a hair salon advertising "walk-in's welcome"). I've even told people their signs were wrong, but I would never go as far as these guys who were recently arrested and banned from national parks for defacing signs. See this article in the Boston Globe.

Hair Today, There Today

A couple of months ago, in the hospital where she works, my sister-in-law, Dana, was stopped by a student nurse who wanted to know where she got her hair done. Dana was wearing exactly the style she was looking for, she raved. So Dana gave her her stylist's information.

That afternoon Dana decided she needed a trim, so she swung by the salon after work to see if her stylist had an opening.

She just about fell over when she saw the woman in the chair -- it was the student nurse! She admitted that she couldn't wait, that she had to see if she could get in that day. She called the stylist and said she wanted Dana Morris' hair.

Dana's not sure if she actually got it, because she has never seen the woman again!

Life Imitates Art, er SNL

Sometime in the mid-'90s Nicolas Cage was in a hilarious skit on Saturday Night Live. He and Julia Sweeney played a couple trying to think of names for their soon-to-arrive baby. They wanted to be sure that the name went well with their last name. Right then they got a delivery.

Delivery Guy: I have a delivery for a Mr. Asswipe...

Nicolas Cage: IT'S OZWEEPAY!

I was working at the Santa Maria Times then, and the next Monday a bunch of us were cracking up over the skit.

About a week later, the county reporter Ken Miller got a fax from someone named, and I kid you not, Carol Ichinose. We died! Was it actually pronounced Itchynose? Or Ishynosay? Ken had to figure something out because he had to call her. So, he went with the more exotic pronunciation.

Ken: May I speak with Carol Ishynosay, please?

Guy on the phone: It's Itchynose!

Catch-22 is an Understatement

Recently my brother had lunch with a friend who is the best friend of his ex-wife. They were married very briefly when they were very young. To say she was hard to live with is like saying China only occasionally violates human rights.

Anyway, this friend mentioned that the ex was divorced again. When John asked why, she replied, and I kid you not, "She drove him to drink and then told him she couldn't be married to an alcoholic."